Dear Lucy: I have been married less than a year and I wrongfully thought that I had found and married my soul mate.
Dear FP: Thanks for your letter. I feel your hurt. Our perceptions about soul mates and being completed by another can sometimes cause hurt and confusion. A soul mate is that person or thing that helps us to fulfill our purpose. However, our soul mate cannot be our purpose.
We look for soul mates as a natural expression of the need to be the bigger, better self that we are always stretching into. Strangely enough, for some, the soul mate may turn out to be the creative work that they love and do. Perhaps you have met people who find such satisfaction in their creative work that they never need a human mate.
Looking for that soul mate is all about finding fulfillment in ourselves. No one can do that for us. They can support us and take the journey with us, but cannot fill up empty spaces inside of us. We learn how to do this when we learn how to first love ourselves.
Life is first about the individual experience. You are making this all about you and it is all about you! It is about your understanding how to find your own purpose, how to find your own fulfillment and then how to share it appropriately with another person. Perhaps your husband is rebelling or resentful of the burden that he has agreed to take on...the burden of being your completeness.
Healthy relationships are made up of people who have the strength of a clear sense of their own identity. Maybe you also had expectations of your job that it too should somehow complete you. What is happening to you now is a wonderful call and opportunity to re-invent yourself!
Here is a place to start. Can you create a picture of who you want to be? Can you carve out a little corner of your mind where you are that competent, loving, loved person living a life of purpose that includes the man, the work, the hobby, the home, the spirituality, and whatever else you want to experience? Can you take each of these, especially your self and define the qualities that you would have? Make a list of all of the qualities you would like to develop and practice like being loving, cheerful, sincere, attentive, supportive, creative etc. Now, can you picture yourself being these and sharing them with your husband and in the work you would love to do.
The point here is that you imagine and develop the you that you want to be...not the person that you want someone else to be. If you want someone who is understanding and supportive, practice becoming that yourself. If you want to be happy, then practice happy. You have the wonderful power to choose and become whatever you want to have in your life.
Also imagine the job where you can express all of these wonderful qualities. If you cannot find a paying position doing what you love, then get up, get out of the house and volunteer somewhere that you can use these great qualities. Using your unique gifts and talents is the greatest act of gratitude we can show to God for having them. Right now you have the opportunity to become the gift you want to receive! Become the gift of love, partnership and service that you would like to receive. Try it. It’s like magic!
Here's to your magic,
(For help with the feelings that get in the way of prayer and peace of mind, get Lucy’s new book, “BE NOT ANXIOUS.” Order it directly from her at 901-907-0260 or go to her web site www.heartworks4u.com.)