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Stop with the ‘only’ stuff about white, rich, good-hair people

Dear Lucy: There is a woman who has worked with me for 6 years. We have the same job title and she does way less work than I do and gets away with it. Recently a position came up in another department. She applied for it, got it and a substantial increase in pay. I am definitely the better qualified and I have carried her for years and she gets the reward! How is it that people like her always come out on top while those of us who work hard get so much less?

– Signed: Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: I have seen this myself and wondered what was going on. Well, as I have grown older, studied, observed and worked hard on my own understanding, here is what I have learned. And, I hope you can swallow this answer.

It is all about expectancy and self-value. No one can ever value you more than you can value yourself. No one can expect more for you than you can expect for yourself.

I remember a friend saying to me that she felt that some people just had better connections than others. Yet, she admitted that when she had been given the opportunity for a "slam dunk" interview based on connections, she still did not get the job. As we talked about the interview she reflected on the fact that as she went through the process, she began to see all the reasons why she really did not want to work at this company. As the process continued, she began to want the job less and less. So, when she did not get the job, she was upset that the "slam dunk" didn't work!

What blocked her getting the job? Her own thinking. As she interviewed, her own thoughts turned to a negativity that was too strong to be overcome. This is one aspect of expectancy.

And then, there are the times we have thoughts like, "They won't give it to me," "I am too old, or fat, or whatever." Or sometimes we say things like, "I know they really want to hire someone of the other race or gender, so I won't even try." This is another form of negative expectancy or the Law of Attraction at work. We attract what we believe and think...period. And also, why did you not apply for the job???

And then there is self-value or self-worth. This is the most common block to getting what we want. We just simply, deep down inside don't believe we deserve it! Perhaps your co-worker got what she wanted because she believed that she was entitled to it, deserved it and was worthy of having it. And for no other reason than that she felt good enough about who she is to go after her heart's desire.

We learn to be worthy or not at a very young age. People who we respect and think know what they are talking about tell us some really stupid stuff about our self worth. They don't always say it out of meanness. Sometimes they are just saying what has been said to them by their parents. Things like, "only white people, rich people, smart people, skinny people, light-complexioned people, tall people, highly educated people, godly people, clean people, people with good hair, people from the east side..." and the list goes on.

As a child, you hear these "only's," believe them and stake your future on them as limitations that you accept. And so you are never enough or good enough to be worthy of having what you want. These beliefs in limitations are so deeply hidden in our minds that we can miss how they work to keep us down.

Have you ever noticed that every lawyer, doctor, or person with a Ph.D is not making big bucks? And yet there are those who you might have gone to school with, know that they have nothing special going on and there they are living the high life. Again, they have a different level of self worth or expectancy for good in their lives.

If you can give yourself credit for being a good, talented and hard worker, take the time to write down all that you are good at. Read the list out loud. If your heart starts to beat fast or if you have a hard time writing the list, you may have a problem with believing that you are OK and that it is alright to own up to it being wonderful. Write the list anyway, read it out loud to yourself twice a day for 28 days. Also, at the end of the list, write and speak this, "I am a person of greatness and value and I deserve to receive the good that I have earned!"

And then, if you still have trouble accepting your worthiness, remember this verse from 1John 3:1: "See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." As God's beloved children we all deserve the best, if we will believe it for ourselves.


(Check out Lucy Shaw's website at http://www.heartworks4u.com. You may send your questions to her by U.S. mail to: Heartworks4U, LLC; 4646 Poplar Ave. Ste 201, Memphis, TN 38117 or by e-mail to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .)

(For help with the feelings that get in the way of prayer and peace of mind, get Lucy's new book, "BE NOT ANXIOUS." Order it directly from her at 901-907-0260 or go to her web site www.heartworks4u.com.)

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